THINGS I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IN 2012 (Part Un)
People calling themselves "NINJAS"
You don't need a picture. HI-YA!
It's not fucking funny (if it ever was) and, even worse, it's run it's course. "I'm like a robot ninja!" "I'm like a comedy ninja!""I'm like a sandwich making ninja!" fuck off dude- what does that even mean? Really, what are you saying? Your parents were raped and killed in front of you when you were 10 so you went to live in a martial arts training village in rural Japan for like 10 years where you learned how to disguise yourself, dress like Sub Zero and kill people? No, the only formal training you've ever had was your two month stint at Subway (and no, your summer at Culinary camp that you attended because the judge said it was that or a Scared Straight program doesn't count as formal training. Awesome, cooking kept you off the streets, now you're a pastry chef with tattoos- we get it, you're edgy- sweet 00 gauge spacers, good thing you work in the back because no one eating wants to look at that)
You're a sandwich artist, not a ninja. Nothing stealth about making a sandwich. In fact, nothing about what you just did resembles a ninja in any capacity (ok, so you held a knife, but it was a butter knife- and I guess since you worked at Subway and you consider yourself a ninja- your name tag could ostensibly say SUB-ZERO).
If you don't like America or a good argument, don't keep reading.
Also, on a very thinly drawn conclusionary tangent, to compare oneself to a ninja, is to suggest you revere a ninja for their skill at being a ninja- so, in effect, you admire their aptitude for all things war: espionage, murder, their skill with that stick thing Donatello uses etc. So basically, you think ninjas are bad ass because they are a feared/respected adversary in a war. Well so are Navy Seals, but you never hear someone say "I'm like like a Dog Walking Navy Seal" "I'm like a sexual Navy Seal". I hate to say it but, in essence, you're inadvertently suggesting that you have a healthier fear of the Japanese than you do of your own country's army (I said it was a thinly drawn tangent), which I could understand saying if you were a citizen of Norway or Canada, but come on guys, we're still a threat. We're still in the game, we're still tough. Just don't let anyone over 60 hear you say anything about ninjas- they might get emotional considering who they might have spent their time fighting between the ages of 16 and 24.
BONUS SECTION:
P.S. If you wanna get a weird look from a Subway sandwich artist when ordering a foot long, phrase it like "I'll take all twelve inches" and when they ask you what you want on it just say "all lettuce" and that's it.
Ha. Good stuff. I'm over 'occupy'. "I'm gonna occupy this cup of coffee." Really? Cuz you barely occupy your pants. But, hey, I'm all for the entertainment aspect. Happy 2012.
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Thank you for articulating the pain I feel in between my ears when people say this stupid shit out in public.
It makes us all look bad (humans) and we can do better.
Also, if a family member dies, do you have to remove a sticker from your minivan?
Do they make RIP stickers?
Now I am just sad.
Kittens.
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You know what's just as bad as calling yourself a ninja? Calling yourself a "sandwhich artist". Calm down, Subway. You're not painting a masterpiece. You're getting paid made minimum wage to serve me lunch. Now put some extra pickles on that and STFU.
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