I'm gonna say it- I don't like SUNNY DAYS

First of all, I'll admit, "Sunny Days" sounds like a soft core porn actress. 
Sunny Days
I do not like you. I know that, living in Southern California, most residents to have a predilection for sunny days but it's those same people who will, later in life, have a proclivity for melanoma.

"It's such a gorgeous day!" Awesome! Now what!? You can go sit outside for lunch and complain to the watier/actor that the sun is in your face and could he please adjust the giant awning umbrella, effectively prolonging the ever-ongoing the game of shadow tug of war your playing with the table of moms next to you? 
If you're just gonna sit in the shade, why bother going outside? Just sit inside and look out a window. Like I do. All day.
 
Sun, you speckle me. If I were more hood, I'd say "Damn, sun, you speckle me". I spent five minutes staring at, what I thought was, a blackhead on my chin only to finally realize that it was a new freckle.

I don't like putting on sunscreen at 9am just so I can take Blanche for a fifteen minute walk so she can go piddles (I really like saying "go piddles"). A sunny day means one thing to me: more idiots out and about and I'll be sweating trying to navigate my way through them. Oh, you know what else the sun does? It's heats up all the dog pee and poop that people leave outside- bakes it right into the cement and grass. So yeah, you can go for a walk- a walk through Ho Dog Pee Land, it's like Candy Land but with dog pee. HOT dog pee. Okay, I'm doing writing "hot dog pee"....HOT DOG PEE!

And now, a foray into the depths of my own neurosis:
To me a sunny day represents activity- activity that I'm not part of nor could fully enjoy if I were part of it. 
Iliza! We're going out on a boat!
TRANSLATION: Maritime vomit! Iliza! Come get mildly sea sick and burnt on a boat! After the rocking of the boat has made you sufficiently nauseous, we're all gonna get in the water and then hang out on the deck of the boat! Won't that be fun?! Won't that be fun to splay yourself out on a hot deck and let the salt of the ocean bake right into your skin like a piece of Cod?! Your hair? Yeah, it's gonna look frizzy and weird, but don't worry, no one will be paying attention to you because we've invited some other girls who have perfect stick straight hair that slicks back easily because they literally just stepped off the set of an Aqua di Gio commercial- so no one cares how horrible you look. What? Oh, we know you work out too- too bad no one can tell because you're as white as sails so no one can see your muscle definition. Just go vomit in the hull you big piece of Cod.
(PS- and this has happened before, nothing worse than being on a boat and they have bad drinks. I was on a boat one time and all they had was Diet Pepsi and that weird Caffeine Free Coke in the bronze can- oh and there was also like a Big Red. Which I'm pretty sure in some states you have to special order- so...not sure what kind of head game they were playing there and yes, I do think there is always a head game being played.

Iliza! We're having a BBQ!
TRANSLATION: Now you can get a sunburn and smell like charcoal! Nothing asserts a young male's independence more than being the leader of a BBQ! It says to the world "I have a home. I have land. I have a grille. I am a man."
Iliza, come to our BBQ- me and my girlfriend are having an impromptu BBQ because we just moved into an apartment that has a little patch of green attached to it. Everyone is bringing something (translation- everyone is bringing the same six pack of beer from Trader Joe's) and the burgers are gonna be dry. Why? Because my friend Charles is doing the BBQING:
SIDENOTE: Every guy has this friend that does the grill work at a BBQ. Don't even try to usurp his position because you'll be met with "Ah, sorry buddy, Charles is always the grill master" this friend is one of two men.
He's either the friend that actually loves to cook and is good at it and he makes the burgers and you're like "oh wow, this is actually really good- wow you do have a knack for cooking" He's usually an editor at a post house or something that's very far removed from cooking. He's never a cook by trade.
OR
He's the friend that you think is kind of a jerk off/funny guy who is always joking around but for some reason becomes really serious when he puts himself in charge of grillin' burgers and you walk up to him and try to make a conversation but he's like sweating and waaaay to focused on burning the fuck out of the food to really talk, so he kind of comes off like a dick and you're like...chill out dude, as creative has it is that you put veggies on a grille (burnt veggies on a grille) you could lighten up a bit, this isn't Top Chef. Oh, you want me to "grab you a beer" cool...I'll grab a bottle...and crack it over your head. Ok that was too much, I need to not watch Mob Wives while I write.

OH AND BY THE WAY?! FUCK YOU to the guy who randomly decided to bring steak to the party but only brought enough for like, 2 people. Who does that? Who brings their own meat? You're a tease, a meat tease. Fuck yeah I'd rather eat carne asada instead of a hockey puck with cheese on it (thanks Charles)

I like cloudy days, I love rain. My life is hectic enough, cloudy days represent tranquility. I know that the world spins with or without me, but on a rainy day- it feels like it slows down just a little bit, just enough where I don't feel so crazed. I like staying home and I like when I stay home on a rainy day I don't feel like I'm missing out on whatever I was supposed to attend, because I feel like other people stayed home too. #truth

I know it's cool to be tan. But I'm not and I never will be. Italian Vogue will just have to do without me for now. 





Posted by THATSMYNIGHTMARE at 1/10/2012 3:42 PM
Categories: FOOD, SOCIETY
 

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